


Fluid

by lullafxck, staellar (lullafxck)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Character's Name Spelled as Viktor, Declarations Of Love, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Victor Nikiforov, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Long-Haired Victor Nikiforov, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pansexual Katsuki Yuuri, Trans Yuri Plisetsky, Transphobia, someone pls protect viktor, yuuri is poetic and he loves viktor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-20 03:19:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9473123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullafxck/pseuds/lullafxck, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullafxck/pseuds/staellar
Summary: In which Yuuri can't decide if he's in love with the prettiest girl in college, with her short dresses, blue eyes and long silver hair.Or if he's foolishly in love with the popular boy with his skin-tight jeans, his blue eyes and his always made up hair.Viktor is struggling a lot, and is always trying to make it through the rain; also, trying to figure out how he should keep his hair, if long or short.[short story, short chapters]





	1. 1a

**Author's Note:**

> chapters willl be divided into 1 a & b, 2 a & b, with the purpose of giving viktor's and yuuri's point of view
> 
> hope you enjoy!

When Yuuri arrived to college, there were always two options: one of them was finding Viktoria, and the other was crossing paths with Viktor. Both of them were the sweetest and most wonderful persons that Yuuri had ever met. Both of them had made an impact so big in Yuuri's life that he had somehow fallen in love with both. Problem was that the strong and latent feeling that bloomed in his heart because of Viktor and his flirty and elegant attitude, was exactly the same feeling that grew in his chest for Viktoria and her precious smile and beautiful hair.

Well, actually it was possible that the only problem with all of that —and probably the most important— was that Yuuri didn't actually know neither of them. Meaning: he had seen them a lot of times and he watched them from afar if the opportunity was given, however, he didn't speak to either of them, at all. The only thing Yuuri knew about them was their name, and that had been mere luck thanks to him walking through the hallways when they were being mentioned by their friends or someone else.

Yuuri let out a sigh, fixing his backpack on his shoulders, and he entered through the big metal doors of his school. Every single day, without fail, he came across Viktor near the entrance, or Viktoria near his locker. It was as if fate or  destiny or whatever wanted Yuuri's enormous crush on them both, to grow. He bit his lip and looked around, Viktor wasn't anywhere to be found and his friend, Chris, wasn't there either.

That was actually really curious too, Viktor and Viktoria had a lot of friends in common, however, he had never seen them together. He supposed that, maybe, even if they had the same friends, Viktor and Viktoria didn't really get along. Which was kind of sad, even though Yuuri could maybe understand it. That is to say, both their hair was silver even if Viktors was always hidden within a beanie or tied up in a masculine ponytail that made Yuuri's knees go weak. They also shared the same eye color, they were really alike, no doubt about that.

Probably that was enough for them not to get along. Or maybe they were family. That option, however, wasn't of Yuuri's liking, at all. How bad was it to be stupidly in love with two persons from the same family? No. He didn't even want to think about that. He shake his head softly and looked up, trying to find Pichit so he could check if his homework was correct.

He, instead, was met with Viktoria using a beautiful white and blue dress, her long silver hair was untied and it fell softly framing her face and highlighting her features. She was just standing there, near Yuuri's locker, and talking with a boy from a younger year. He was, actually, Viktor's friend too and his name was Yuri Plisetsky. The boy had a hair almost as beautiful as Viktor's or Viktoria's.

He walked slowly to his locker and he heard Viktoria complaining about her friend " _making a lot of noise and not being fair._ " Yuuri looked at them, not being able to hold himself back, and he met with the beautiful and striking eyes of the girl. She smiled at him and he couldn't help but blush and return a timid smile, turning his face towards his locker once again.

 _Im lost_ , Yuuri thought as he left some of his things in his locker. _Completely lost_ , he thought and took both, his english book and notebook, before running towards his class as far way from Yuri and Viktoria as he could.


	2. 1 b

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who left kudos and/or a comment! they make me really happy <3

Going to school could be total torture or something relatively normal. Sad thing was that Viktoria didn't think that school was torture because of the same reason that most people around her thought that. No. For her, going to the institute meant that she'd have to deal with being observed by millions of eyes that -even after being stared for thousands of times- wouldn't get tired of judging and laughing at her. And of course, a lot of people had to deal with the same stuff, but sometimes she really felt completely out of place.

Her school life had always been a nightmare, she hadn't had friends for she didn't entirely fit with boys, and girls didn't accept her on their social circle, either. It was hard and sometimes Viktoria really wished she could be just like everyone else; however, for some strange reason, her last two years at school had been relatively calm and good for her (socially speaking).

She had met Chris, Yuri, Jean (or JJ how they used to call him) and some other people who truly accepted her for who she was. They accepted her changes, the way she expressed herself, her bad days and the good ones too. And in those two years, Viktoria had known for the first time what having a friend meant. Finally she felt like she belonged somewhere and it was great, it was amazing.

There were people who considered her attractive and there were some who even asked her for a date; some people understood and some people knew, however, the fact that they kind of understood what was going on with her physical aspect, didn't mean that they actually knew or understood what was going on inside her head, her soul, her mind. They didn't know about the thoughts that, more often than not, clouded her mind, and they had no idea of how hard it got to just be okay sometimes.

Probably the only one (around her) that knew about it, or who at least shared some kind of understanding with her, was Yuri. The blond was younger than her and way stronger and braver. That's why they'd become such good friends, because in a way they understood each other, because people kept staring at them, because they knew what it was like to cry for hours just from looking at themselves in the mirror. Because they actually understood, even if it wasn't the same, not completely.

And maybe one of the problems with that, was Yuri was Yuri, and Viktoria was Viktoria. Yuri was strong and defiant, he was always ready to fight with whoever it was who didn't respect him, with whoever it was that offended him. ¿Viktoria? Viktoria wasn't like that. When people insulted her, all that she could do was curl up her fists, bite her tongue with fury, and walk away. On that aspect, she felt weak. Probably because she never had someone to support her, never had someone she could trust or someone to cry with. Viktoria had always been alone and, maybe —she didn't know— that was exactly the reason of why she felt so weak, so powerless.

However, there were times (like that exact day) in which the smile of the timid boy with glasses and black hair, made the insults thrown her way to be much less hurtful as they would've been otherwise. So there she was with her long hair covering her face, trying to make the picture of the cute timid boy win over the hurtful words that were thrown upon her in the hallway just a few moments ago.

She took a deep breath, clutching the skirt of her dress between her hands, and continued walking, trying to remember the beautiful smile that, _somehow_ , kept her going.


	3. 2 a

It had been now a whole week in which Yuuri hadn't seen Viktor, however, during that time he always saw Viktoria and felt his heart make pirouettes, beating with excitement. Maybe he hadn't seen the boy because he was always so focused on the precious smile that Viktoria always sent his way, always focused in the soft and defined curves that were characteristic of her, and on the always light waves created on her skirts or dresses. Yes, all that week Yuuri had been drooling non-stop for the precious silver-haired girl that stole his breath away.

He combed his hair back once again, fixing his glasses with gentleness, and he inhaled deeply before making his way to the entrance doors of is school (finally another week was starting, and once again Yuuri was a bit nervous due to the amount of homework he had. He knew that japanese teachers were strict, but in Rusia they seemed to be way more than that, which still seemed to put him off). He shook his head softly, trying to chase away the thought that clouded his mind, and he looked up, the air leaving his lungs instantly. 

It was like having recieved a punch directly to his gut, or as if someone had taken his lungs and ripped them out of his anatomy. However, he loved that feeling because the one that caused it had been none other than Viktor himself. He was just standing there, beside the institute entrance, in company of JJ and Christophe, talking and laughing about something that Yuuri couldn't hear, couldn't understand.

He looked so handsome in those pair of black jeans that fit his legs perfectly. A white shirt with the first three buttons undone and his long hair completely tied up in a ponytail that fell over his left shoulder with elegance. Yuuri choked on his own breath, surprised, when he noticed the older boy looking right at him and greeting him with a smile and a wave of his hand. Completely natural, completely simple, completely... _him._

Yuuri swallowed hard and smiled timidly, nooding softly in a greeting signal, and he started running toward his locker. He still felt as if he couldn't breathe correctly, and it was just his bad luck, that his cheeks were completely red. He licked his lips and continued walking through the hallway until, without a warning, Pichit came up to him and hugged him tight and playfuly.

"Pichit..." Yuuri whispered with a voice that seemed agonizing and, when Pichit looked at his friend, he convinced himself that maybe Yuuri was, in fact, aganizing, one way or another. Pichit raised an eyebrow, waiting for his frien to continue. "Have I ever told you that I'm, like, _really_ gay?"

Pichit let out a laugh, messing with the hair of his best friend, and continued waking by his side. Yuuri simply inflated his cheeks and followed his friends step. He couldn't get out of his mind the picture of Viktor, for some strange reason, when Viktor dressed exactly like that, Yuuri felt his heart stop and his mouth go dry. He had some kind of attraction to Viktor all dressed up in those clothes.

"We all know perfectly well that you are, Yuuri."


	4. 2 b

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tw// heavy gender dysphoria, and maybe a graphic description of it?
> 
> thank you all so much, guys! ily <3

Gender dysphoria was a fucking bitch. Viktoria and Yuri could agree on that; it was always eating away with voracity even tiniest piece of happiness, of tranquility in your mind and giving birth to anxiety and voices that claimed how horrible you looked. Kicking and destroying every last trace of love, of acceptance.

Screaming with guttural and horrifiying voices how terrible your voice sounded, reproaching second after second that your body was not the one you are in, that you are disgusting and would probably be better off dead. Walking up crying because your gender doesn't match your sex, because just a few people accept you; sob and sob because that's not your body, because you feel as if you were caged being the victim of a constant torture everytime someone called you by the wrong name, feeling as if your soul is being ripped out everytime you look in the mirror, feeling a whip cutting deep in your skin everytime you speak with a voice that _isn't_ yours.

It was frightening even going out. Being part of the transgender community was, in a way, something with which you could feel safe because then you knew that you weren't alone, that you'd never be. But on the other hand, it was something that made a deadly terror make its way under your skin, flowing through your veins. Viktoria knew that, Yuri knew that. Gender dysphoria was a constant horror and a constant pain burning slowly inside your brain, so damn slow that it weakened you, made you collapse. And, at those moments in time, one of the things you needed most, was someone to be by your side.

Yuri had his grandfather, who had accepted since the blond was a little child, that he wasn't a girl like the doctors had said. Yuri was a boy. A boy that to feel good with himself had to bind up his chest with a special binder, a boy that with his family's support had managed to change his name from Yulia to Yuri. He was a boy who, with the help of his grandfather and boyfriend (who loved him unconditionally) had started his treatment on testosterone a while back.

Yuri was a boy who had the support and unconditional love of his family, friends and boyfriend. Viktoria? Well, Viktoria had been thrown out of her house and the ones who were her family stopped recognizing her as much, she basically had no family now. But Viktoria had friends, and that was okay, they gave her support and hugged her when her mind and frightening thoughts shook every piece of her being. It felt good to finally have someone who loved her no matter what, to have someone who respected her for who she was. Because even if Viktoria identified mostly as a boy, the days in which she identified as a girl, the dysphoria that harrased her was unimaginable.

And now? Exactly that day, just when she could feel her mind being torn apart with dysphoria, school issues had forced her to go dressed in a masculine way. It was horrible, horrible, horrible. She didn't even dared to look in the mirror, she didn't. However, she had friends, friends that would help her live through that day in a more calm way; so, without thinking it any further, she had put on a necklace that Yuri had gifted her a long time ago, which had written the word _she_ in a pretty font, surrounded by pink and blue flowers.

"Vik, you look beautiful today." Had said Chris the moment he noticed the neklace that she wore. Chris knew she need to hear those words, now more than ever.

"Specially your hair." JJ agreed, pointing to her ponytail. "You look lovely." He said with a smile and a wink.

Viktoria laughed, and a sudden need to cry out of happiness took over her and she thanked to every devine being that existed for having her find such amazing and comprehensive friends as them. She looked up and her eyes met with the timid black-haired boy who always wore glasses. The boy (because sadly she didn't know his name) looked wonderful, and Viktoria greeted him, receiving a timid (like always) smile from him.

She looked down, taking in her black skin-tight jeans, white unbuttoned shirt, and her hair tied up in a ponytail that fell over her left shoulder. And yes, that was a honest-to-god masculine outfit and dysphoria would continue to be there, at the back of her mind; but she had friends that were always there for her, that loved her, and additionally: she had the shy smile from the boy who made her heart beat loudly. So, maybe, she could endure the torture once again.


	5. 3 a

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much guys! it makes me really happy that you like this <3

Since he was a little kid, Yuuri discovered quite a lot of things about himself. Like, for example, he knew he loved animales and, specially, puppies. That's why he always begged his mom to buy him one, or to let him adopt one. He ended up adopting a small poodle and naming him Vicchan.

Another thing he realized since he was just a boy, was that he really liked watching competitive figure ice skating. It was one of the most beautiful and elegant arts that he had ever seen. Another thing he realized since he was a child, was that he liked boys just the same way that he liked girls, and no one had ever cuestioned him on that aspect; it was something that just made sense to Yuuri.

Since he was a kid he had known that boys were really pretty and interesting, a lot of them were really really strong and brave; the ones that were like that had always been like vanilla. There were also boys who were really cute, small and they looked like they were made out of porcelain; according to Yuuri, they were like cookies. Why wouldn't he like boys if they were so amazing? He also liked girls, they were really pretty with their long hair full of flowers and their strawberry-laughs, they were really funny and brave. There also girls with short hair and that liked playing with cars; they were like chocolate. Why wouldn't he like girls if they were so amazing?

For Yuuri, every person he knew was some sort of flavor. For example Pichit, he was like cookies with a hint of vanilla; Guang Hong was like cookies with a hint of strawberry. Seung Gil and Leo were defenitely vanilla. Minako was like strawberries covered in chocolate, and his mom was completely strawberry. Everyone in his life had a flavor, that's how he identified them. Viktor was (from what he had gathered) like vanilla, and Viktoria was like strawberry with a hint of chocolate. Identifying people according to a flavor was something he had done since he was little.

Another thing he learned since he was a kid, was that Yuuri had always been kind of useless when one of his friends cried, or when someone in his family did. Yuuri simply didn't know what to do when someone cried; when he was a kid he had tried it, he had tried to console someone, but that person had just cried harder, screamed unintelligible words at him and then ran away. That had been decisive and Yuuri had never tried to console a crying person ever again, afraid to make things worse.

However, he was now standing there, inside the boy's bathroom. Holding the weight of his body with his left hand resting on the doorknob. The scene playing right infront of him burned deep in his stomach, paralized his organs, squeezed his lungs and stabbed his heart. It was something he had never expected to see, something that sent his mind on red alert, it was something that did nothing more than destroy him little by little.

Viktor, sitting on the floor, his back against the wall and his eyes red, his cheeks wet with tears that shone brightly with the low light in the room. His hair was a mess and, in his infinitely shaking hands, he held sharp scissors. Viktor was gasping, his chest going up and down harshly; tears continued to fall and his whole body was shaking. He looked shattered, completely torn apart; and Yuuri knew that the scissors in his hands were a danger.

He didn't even think about it and ran towards Viktor, kneeling beside him, and he softly took the scissors away from his hands. Viktor sobbed again and Yuuri saw him clench his fists so hard that a thin trail of blood fell between his fingers. Yuuri suddenly wanted to cry too, and he hugged Viktor, trying to make him unclench his fists. Yuuri couldn't do more than stop Viktor's hands when he started to pull his hair, saying that he wanted to cut it, that he looked horrible, that it was disgusting.

That day, Yuuri didn't know what to do, other than hug Viktor tightly and whisper calming words, until Viktor relaxed.


	6. 3 b

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the late update!!
> 
> I hope you like this, and thANK YOU SO MUCH!! <3

Why were people so cruel? What kind of matter were the human beings made off, that such evil could occupy every piece of their being? Maybe it was normal, maybe the never-ending necessity to make someone feel like they were less important than the others, was something already carved into the soul of a human being. Maybe not and, in reality, there just were people who fed off of another's suffering; probably they were some kind of living-dead (like ghouls, those really scared Viktor) that to stay on that state between life and death, they had to destroy the one that sorrounded them, and they lived off of their sadness, off of their pain.

If he was being honest, Viktor didn't really expect much from those around him. He was used to the mockery, the horrible treatments, the laughs, and more. Viktor was really used to it, and he honestly didn't expect any different from some people; however, the insults and mocks that were thrown his way, kept on destroying him. He knew there would be people who would never accept him, but disagreeing with something differed way too much from hurting.

Even if some people weren't capable of understanding him and weren't capable of accepting him for who he was (and they were entitled not to, after all, Viktor didn't want them in his life and he was sure they didn't want him un theirs), they had to keep some sort of mutual respect.

For some kind of reason, for those people, distance wasn't enough. No, they seemed to be compelled to make Viktor's life a goddamned living hell. Why? What was that something that made them feel the need to see Viktor crumbling under their cruel words? Wasn't his constant internal struggle enough suffering?

He shook his head and swallowed a pained scream that threatened to come out of his mouth. Viktor really did wanted to scream and tear his throat apart while doing so. He wanted to feel his vocal chords being ripped apart again and again until they bled. He wanted to punch the wall and hurt it just as much as he was hurt. Viktor wanted to let go of all of his pain, his frustration; he wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to feel good with himself. He wanted so many things and they all seemed so out of his reach that he didn't have a clue of what to do, of what to choose.

He wanted to cut his hair, wanted to see the long silver strands fall, one after another, non-stop. He had the strange necessity of cutting of his hair, however every piece of his being was screaming, begging him not to do it, that it was okay, that he wasn't at fault for other people's ignorance and evilness. But even though Viktor knew that, he also knew that, one way or another, words would always hurt, and maybe they would never stop hurting.

His hands were shaking, with the right one he was holding a pair of scissors with a shining blade that threatened to cut his long and silky hair. His left hand was holding a handful of his hair. He was sobbing and his whole body trembled with the loud echo of the insults that were directed his way no longer than five minutes ago.

Simple words that grew and took the form of terrible monsters with cocky smiles, dangerous claws. Challenging and evil monsters. Horrible and baleful chimeras that seemed to be there with the only purpose of breaking him, making him fall on his knees and wish for death. They were simple words, simple sound waves that disappeared as soon as they were said, however, they made their way inside Viktor's mind and nestled there, growing more and more each day until they grew tired and came to the light again, reminding Viktor each and everyone of the insults that he ever received.

He moaned in pain and gasped, letting his left hand fall. He couldn't take it anymore, the weight on his mind was so powerful that he couldn't even stand correctly, so his legs gave up, his knees bent and Viktor fell slowly against one of the bathroom walls. He covered his face with his hands and cried as hard as he could. He didn't know what else to do. He had not even the slightest idea of how to get his strength back when all he wanted was to disappear , or to simply stop feeling, stop being.

The door to the bathroom opened and immediately closed. He lift his eyes and, infront of him, looking right at him speechless, was the boy with pretty eyes and black hair. Viktor felt a chill run through his back and he shivered disgusted with himself when he realized that the boy was looking at him in such a state. So fragil, so weak, so disgusting. He sobbed once again, louder, not being able to hold it back; and without noticing, the scissors weren't in his hands anymore, and a welcoming warmth was comforting him.

Viktor let himself be wrapped up by the sweet boy's arms, and he kept crying. Simply because he didn't know what else to do. 


	7. 4 a

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay!! I'll try to be more consistent with the updates.
> 
> I have this fic written completely in spanish now, so i'll just try to translate quickly ❤❤
> 
> Thank you for your support!!

He had already had millions of talks about gender with Pichit. All thanks to a sexuality class un which they had touched the subject, however, they hadn't gone into depht about it, and it had left Yuuri completely confused and wanting to know more about all of that because it seemed really interesting and important. So, when that class had ended, Yuuri had told his best friend that he wanted to know more, and Pichit has taken care of making him understand the difference between being born with male or female reproductive organs, and identifying as such.

Now he understood that sex organs had absolutely nothing to do with whether someone was a man or a woman. That is to say: a girl could be born with a penis, yes, but that wasn't what defined her, but rather the way she felt, and if she felt like a woman, then she was one, no matter her genitals nor physical form. The same thing the other way around; a boy could be born with a vagina and that didn't meant he was a girl because that person would still feel like a boy and he would still be one, no matter his genitals.

Those people identified (or not, for all he knew it depended) and sometimes they went through surgery to change their physical aspecto and/or genitals. Technically speaking, those who went through surgery were called transexuals, though, that term wasn't really used, especially because it sometimes turned out to be obtrusive and even offensive. And, in a way, Yuuri understood, because if those people wanted to change certain parts of their body to feel good with themselves and for people to stop misgendering them, then the fact that someone could come up and be like " _Hey, this is my friend and he is trans!_ " Well, that was actually rude.

Yuuri had even learned about those who identified as agender, meaning that they didn't really feel as if they were an specific binary (and even non-binary) gender. There were, too, those who fell under the term gender queer, and that was one of the things that had really been hard to understand for him. And that was because there were some genders that weren't binary, that is to say, they weren't boys nor girls. Rather, they could feel like both; or like a femenine gender that wasn't _female_ , or like a masculine gender that wasn't _male_.

Yes, it had cost him a lot to understand (and if he was being honest he still didn't understand some of it, but he didn't really have to, he just had to be respectful) and Yuuri was sure that if he ever met someone who didn't identify with a binary gender, he's probably fuck everything up by calling them by the wrong pronouns or something like that. Even though, Pichit was sure that, with Yuuri's cluelessness and politeness he probably wouldn't even notice, and would just call people with whatever they prefered. It's not like they were screaming here and there what they were or whatever, they just asked you kindly to call them by an specific name and pronouns. So really, Yuuri wouldn't hace much trouble, according to Pichit.

However after all the talks and understanding, Yuuri was never prepared to have Viktor wrapped up in his arms, crying uncontrollably while choking out some words, and Yuuri could barely understand a few like: _gender, dysphoria, fluid, joke_ and _die_. Then, he was being drowned with sobs and slurred, mixed-up words pilling up non-stop; until Viktor got away from him, tears still streaming down his face, and then Viktor ran.

Yuuri wanted to go after him, however, he knew that Viktor maybe ran away because he wanted to be alone, because maybe he was afraid of what Yuuri might say. So he stopped himself and stood there, alone in the bathroom floor, thinking about the words that Viktor had sobbed; and he decided, then, to do an even bigger research and try to find out what Viktor referred to. _Maybe..._ Yuuri thought. _Maybe I can help._


	8. 4 b

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay. I've been so busy personally, and then everything that's happening here in México has me and everyone else going crazy I just couldn't find time to do this

Viktor had cried in the arms of the boy he liked, and had also told him how he felt, how he hurt. Even worse, the boy hadn't said a thing; Viktor didn't know what he thought. Like, he never knew but, now? He probably was laughing at Viktor and how pathetic he was right now, laughing at just how stupid he had been when crying. He didn't know, and he honestly did not want to assume things wrongly and rudely, but Viktor was just so used to be treated that way, that he simply didn't know what to feel now that the boy of his dreams knew.

Maybe it was true that Viktor hadn't even given him the chance to say something or do something, and he had just ran away. However, what if Viktor had stayed and listened? What if he had insulted him or even mocked him? Viktor definitely didn't think that the boy was like that, not even a bit; that, sadly, didn't change the fact that Viktor was still horribly terrified with what could or couldn't have happened.

He hid under his covers, covering every part of his body with them, and bit his lips trying to get rid of the thoughts that tried to persuade him into cutting his hair. He bit his lips to, maybe even get rid of himself. He tried to erase from his mind every memory of the insults, of every tease, every cruel laugh; he tried to distance himself of every negative thing, but he simply didn't know how. What was he supposed to do in those cases? Viktor lived in a constant war with his mind, with thoughts he never wanted to bear.

He lived, more often than not, terrified, annoyed, sad and tired. It was like a mixture of opaque emotions, so powerful that sometimes it was impossible to even just get up from bed, due to mental fatigue. However, there were times in which dopamine was so high, he felt immensely happy, or just well enough to go through an entire day and night without thinking too much. And the problem was that Viktor didn't even know if that was part of gender dysphoria. He had no idea on how to classify his own feelings, how would he be able to know if it was part of his dysphoria?

In his mind, the memories of the insults he had received at school on the evening, replayed once more. Then, the scene in the bathroom were the cute boy had wrapped him up in his arms. Viktor flinched a little, curling into himself, clutching the covers between his hands harshly, and he choked back a sob that threatened to escape from his lips. He felt his body trembling once again, specially his shoulders and, still under the covers, he brought a hand to his face, feeling nothing. He hated that. Crying without tears.

Sometimes, Viktor reached a point in which his tears dried, even if he was still crying. It was terrible having to cry without really doing it. It didn't fulfill its purpose. However, the pain that consumed him, the thoughts in his mind, and the fear he felt, were all so oppressive, that Viktor could do nothing more than cry under his covers. Without a single tear to shed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come scream at me for constant updates @ staellar_vmk on Twitter or @ viktvvri on Tumblr


	9. 5 a

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, once again!! And for those who worry about the situation in my country, we are standing! We'll keep on working and fighting, thank you a lot! ♥️

The internet might not be wise, but it had a lot of important and maybe even necessary information; normally, at school, the teachers wouldn't allow them to gather information from the web, and made them take it from books. That, probably, was due to the enormous amount of people who didn't know how to search correctly for information and, if Yuuri had learned anything, it was that the professors loved to generalize. But Yuuri wasn't an idiot and he definetely knew where and how to look for information. Now well, the problem with it, was that he just had a few words with which he could start his research.

So Yuuri thought that, already knowing the basics about gender identity and expression, then he could probably go deeper, but how? Yuuri licked his lips and hummed deeply until, finally, he knew what he had to look for. Maybe all those broken words that had fallen from Viktor's lips were realted to gender, for all he knew there was nothing keeping them apart. So the first thing he had typed down with total confidence was " _dysphoria_." Immediatly, between the row of options, one read "gender dysphoria" and he didn't even hesitate to click it, checking every article related that showed on screen.

He read and read through psychological and medical articles, through testimonies; and Yuuri felt his eyes getting wet upon all the information he was looking at. He couldn't even fathom the idea of Viktor having to go through that. Even worse, he didn't even know what was going through Viktor's mind, or why had he been crying so much. Yuuri never thought to see the boy so hurt, but what he had just read could only make him think that: if Viktor had to go through that, had to deal with gender dysphoria, the his heart would keep on breaking a little; Viktor should never have to suffer like that.

He wiped his tears harshly, and immediately typed into the search bar " _gender_ _fluidity_." In most of the articles came a detailed explanation of what gender was, about transgender and transexual people, and on occasions even something about dysphoria. And on all of those articles, the same description came up: _a genderfluid person, is someone who fluctuates between two or more genders during certain stages of their life, or indefinite times._ Which was simply identifying as a certain gender during some time, and another gender during another time.

For all he could understand thanks to the articles, it wasn't as if those people actually chose when to be a boy or a girl, or some other, like both or none. No. It wasn't as if they woke up from one day to another, saying "¡ _Hey_ , _today I'll just be a girl_!" but rather simply, their identity was more attached to a certain gender. And well, Yuuri had already known about some identities, just not that one specifically, so it had been useful to read about it, at least a bit, because now maybe he could help Viktor.

However then, a doubt emerged in his mind the moment he closed his computer to go to sleep. Because, if Viktor was genderfluid, were Viktor and Viktoria the same person? Oh, if it was like that, then Yuuri would feel like the luckiest person on earth: because Viktoria was the prettiest and sweetest girl all over the place, and Viktor was probably the most handsome and gentle boy in the whole city, and —if his theory proofed to be true— they were the same person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Twitter @ staellar_vmk or on Tumblr @ viktvvri


	10. 5 b

Everyone at some point in their life, finds themselves forced to make a series of choices that would effect them directly, and change their lifes for (probably, and more often than not) forever. Their career choice, if they want to have kids, if they want to get married, if they ask or not for a divorce, the college they apply to, the place where they live, their friends, etc. The human being probably wouldn't be considered human if they didn't take those kind of decisions; even when there's some that can seem what defines their live going forward, or their life practically ending.

Viktor had already taken lots of said decisions, his just got to the point of being differentiated of what would be considered common. For example, choosing between telling or not his parents about him being genderfluid, and explaining to them what that meant, even when he knew that the probability of them rejecting him as their son was way too high. And, even then, he had done it because, after it all, he always thought it was best for the truth to hurt, than to destroy himself with lies.

It was a matter of weighting the pros and cons. That's how the majority of the human population chose between two or more options. Which one of them was of most benefit? What exactly would do a greater good, not only for oneself but for every single person around? Generally it was hard, it was truly complicated to make a balanced decision. And Viktor, in that aspect, had always had difficulties. It was really hard hor him to choose something that would also be of benefit to him, and not only to those around him.

Right now, Vikto found himself infront of the mirror, looking at his reflection with utter attention, thinking, thinking, thinking. It was days like those, in which he identified as a male, in which his long and silky hair made him feel as if he didn't quite fit in, made him feel that he should cut it or something. Sometimes (like that) he found himself so close and so far from doing it, knowing that that same hair was what gave him some sort of comfort when he identified as a girl.

Cut it or not? Viktor inhaled profoundly and ran his fingers throught the soft platinated strands that shined the morning light. It was a new day, even when a small trace of pain was still fixed dee into his chest. He tilted his head, watching the fluid and terse movement of his hair, slipping down his shoulders and back. He smiled. A sweet smile directed to himself, because he deserved it; everyone deserves a smile coming from themselves.

His refection, just like that and with that sincere smile, looked good; and to be honest, Viktor felt good too. Even with the constant tightness in his chest and in his mind, Viktor felt quite good. He sighed and tied his hair up into a pretty bun, making sure not a strand was falling down his shoulders, and he secured it with an elastic band. He looked at himself in the mirror once again, befor taking his school bag and inhale deeply, preparing himself for the day that awaited for him at school.


	11. 6 a

He had tried. He truly really had. Yuuri, that day, had woken up ready to find Viktor at school, talk to him, become his friend and, if that turned out well, then Yuuri would devote himself to love and support him always. That had been the plan, and Yuuri was totally prepared to follow it, there was not a thing that could stop him. Except, maybe, the strong illness that he had contracted, leaving him on bed rest for almost two whole weeks.

He was pretty much desperate, wanted to arrive to school and, if he saw him, he'd hug Viktor and tell him that everything was okay, that Yuuri would make sure for everything to be okay, that he would do anything in his hands to make his radiant and beautiful smile make its way onto Viktor's face again. In reality, his desperation had been such, that the process of being on bed rest, and the healing process of his body wasn't really close to finish, when Yuuri was already preparing his things to go out running to get to college (of course, he also defenitely didn't want to deal with the piles of work he'd get if he continued missing classes).

What was he expecting when he did that? He didn't know. But it defenitely hadn't been to find Viktor in Yuri's arms, with one of the saddest looks Yuuri has ever witnessed. And it was because the girl was certainly not crying, but the sadness reflected in the expression of her eyes was far more painful than the nonexistent tears. And there was also the worried and over-protective expression of the youngest over Viktoria, that was something that made Yuuri want to cry.

He still wasn't able to understand. Why was it that people as beautiful as Viktoria had to suffer greatly and some ocasions? Why was it that life was just so unfair most times? All that Yuuri wanted was for Viktoria to be happy, for her to find the help she needed and that, with time, she could get better. Yuuri wanted to see her be good, he wanted her to be happy, wanted to see her smile and know that she felt fine.

He hadn't been able to refrain himself, his chemistry classroom was just beside the place where both persons were, and he had listened to the angry words on the blond boy, threatening to punch some people. However, what had completely torn Yuuri into pieces, had been the soft-spoken words of the girl.

"Yuri, come on. Do you really think that some broken noses will stop them?" said Viktoria with a sad, broken and opaque voice. "I wish they all would just hit me, it'd hurt less."

That was the moment in which Yuuri had confirmed his thoughts: Viktor and Viktoria were the same person. And, honestly, Yuuri just wanted to see her happy, wanted to make her smile again, and make her see that she absolutel didn't deserve all that pain she felt.

With a burning sensation that stung incessantly in his chest, Yuuri walked away from there, planning the next ocassion that he'd meet with Viktoria, or Viktor. He was decided, and he hoped that everything worked out in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> if you'd like, pls hit me up @ viktvvri on tumblr! let's scream and cry about genderfluid viktor <3


End file.
